It’s Time To Go Fishing, Girl!

Dear Madma,

Let me beg your indulgence to write in English. I noticed that letters sent to you are in Filipino but one of my friends who urged me to consult you, asked that I write in English so her German beau will understand without her having to go through the onerous task of translating from Filipino. Much would be lost when that happens.

I would also like to say that my letter maybe too long for posting. Just edit out whatever you may find inane but hopefully much of what I write are relevant, providing the proper context so you can give me the best advice possible.

This is a story that is some 5 years long with an epilogue that is years longer. Let me begin with the latter. I was, you see, raised in a center-right, Catholic family, educated in a Catholic school and immersed in Bible and Christian studies. I grew up falling in-love with God, talking casually with Jesus, telling him things and stuff as I would my closest friends. Prayer was a true conversation for me and I was happy.

The one thing I could not bring myself to talk openly with God was my same-sex attraction. It was an open secret between us. Until one day, I asked that I be cured of this disease but that cure never came and I felt so alone.

I grew up spending my time with the guys. In college, I was one of the guys. I wasn’t athletic or anything but I found my niche in my peers of men. Whilst they got into girls, I was just hanging around them and they just brushed me off as “torpe.”

In any case, I lived my life in the closet, getting no hits on gaydars. I knew one or two who were suspicious but nothing to confirm.

I got off on porn and was addicted to it. One day, I decided to clean myself up. Go back to my first love: God and Church. It was around the same time that I met Peter, my first true love.

He’s not out but we got so close and so comfortable with each other that we ended up admitting our homosexuality to each other during one of our late night chats. At first, I tried to resist his advances and even told him that we should change our ways through prayer and the sacraments but the heart wants what the heart wants and lust pushed us through.

It was a crazy, conflicted relationship. I was confused and I felt guilty loving him and consummating our love through sex. I so wanted to be out of it that I did everything to end the relationship. It devolved quickly into something purely physical, at least for me.

Fate is a cruel mistress. Peter and I, due to numerous circumstances, ended up working in the same company and staying in the same place. We got frisky from time to time but he tried to move on, looking for other relationships which never lasted.

I got a different job a year later and eventually moved out to another place. Contact with Peter dwindled.

In my new work, I got infatuated with a co-worker. Alex is cute and smart, just like Peter but the former is prettier. I took time to get to close to Alex. We got close to a point that he would tell me personal stuff from his sexcapades to his emotional reactions to certain events in his life. I really got to like him to the point that I was even planning on courting him.

Alas, it turns out he has a boyfriend. Someone he does not tell people about. No one knew about the guy he said. He only told me when I pressed him about the flatmate he was planning to move in with. It’s his boyfriend, he says. Well, yes, I cried and took time to get over that revelation.

I got back to being friends with him again though I never ask about his boyfriend. It was a painful topic for me, a badge of mistrust.

Now, sometime after my Alex episode, I asked Peter to have NSA encounters to which he agreed and we would meet from time to time to get physical. Somehow, it got to a point wherein he got his feelings for me rekindled and he even went on to say that everyone else after me were rebounds. Now, I admit that I do still love and care for him but not romantically, at least that’s how I understand it. My friends disagree. They say I am in love with him but I’m just looking for the feelings during our romantic stage.

I don’t want to ‘settle’ with Peter just because he’s there and he’s available. It will not be fair to him or to me.

Also, I find myself enjoying Alex’s company very much even though I know that I don’t have a shot at him at the moment.

So I really don’t know what to do now. Should I still be friends with Alex? Am I in-love with Peter but I just don’t realize it? What do I do Madma?

With kind regards,

Rickson

____________________

Dear Rickson,

First of all, I would like to thank you for sharing your story with us. I appreciate your courage in coming out from the closet and sharing this piece to the rest of world.  Thanks for providing us with the proper context of your very emotional story too. Don’t worry. I didn’t find it long.  I find it cute. WOW! :) Seriously, reading your letter is like watching a short film about love, pain, confusion, intimacy and moving on. This is crazy! I love it! Thanks for bringing us into this roller-coaster ride of your life.🙂

I am glad that you have already come to terms with your sexuality and your relationship with God. Clearly, you are now more comfortable with being gay given your recent sexual and intimate relationships with Alex and Peter. It must have been very difficult for you to settle this matter; you being raised in a center-right, Catholic family and the homosexual calling.  On the onset, I thought your dilemma would only lie within these contradictions. I’m happy that you have finally made your choice and have embraced your true self. After all, being gay is NOT a disease. This is a gift from God, so let’s celebrate it! (Hello, Ms. Miriam Quiambao)🙂 There’s no “cure” for it as well so I encourage everyone to stop praying for one to be straight!🙂

I am also elated with the fact that you didn’t fall into the trap of being a hypocrite. I HATE HYPOCRITES! They don’t have any right to live in this world! I’m sure, most you would also agree with me. I pity those people who live with false virtues or religion and those who act in contradiction to their stated beliefs or feelings. Meanwhile, I admire those people who are courageous enough to stand with their beliefs no matter what society dictates. At the end of the day, we have to make a CHOICE! We cannot serve two Gods at the same time so we really need to give our best effort to choose and live with our decision. And I’m glad that you already made one too.🙂

Now, let’s talk about your pressing issues with your boys. Boys, boys, boys! Oh, how I love boys. :) To be honest, I don’t think being friends with Alex is healthy for you at this stage. I suggest that you stay away from him until you resolved your unnecessary emotional baggage for him. Alex is in a relationship so you better back-off, bitch.🙂 You don’t buy an item that has been already sold to someone else. If you really want that item, you either wait for it to be put in a garage sale or wait for it to be handed down to you by the previous owner. Perhaps, you can steal it. But I don’t recommend the latter.🙂 The keyword is CONTROL. I understand that you enjoy being with Alex and that you love his company. I know how badly you want to keep your friendship with Alex because it has become one of the sources of your joy. I get it. But it has to stop for now.😉 Being friends with him at this point will not do any good for you since your intentions for being with him is not purely for friendship. You have already cried buckets of tears over this issue so don’t put that fact into waste. You have moved on, then so be it. Don’t worry about your friendship with Alex. Believe me, you will become friends eventually. The world will conspire to fulfil its destiny.😉

As to Peter, I recommend for you to clearly define and identify your feelings with him. You better figure it out as soon as possible before things get any worse. If you are not in love with him, let him go! Peter deserves to be happy too.🙂 Perhaps, you can give him to me. We will work something out. WOW!🙂 Please, spare him the pain of being used just to satisfy your needs. You are right. It will not be fair to him and for your as well to jump into a relationship without genuine love, so don’t go beyond that level. On the other hand, if after some contemplation, you realized that you are in love with Peter and that you want to give it a shot with him, then go for it! Give it a try. It’s a just a matter of identifying your true feelings with Peter and having the courage to act upon it. You are the only one who can tell if you are in love with Peter or not. It’s your heart, my dear.🙂

Take it from Madma, sometimes true love is not so true after all. Explore more options. Hang out with other people. Widen your horizon. As what I always say in YTM, “huwag maging pakupota!” You don’t need to be limited with Peter and Alex who certainly are problematic. There are a lot of fishes in the sea so go and grab someone else! You have already gone this far on embracing your sexuality, so might as well maximize the opportunities. Spare yourself from living with uncertainties. Life is short. You are still young. Just enjoy.🙂

We love you, Rickson. We wish you all the best.🙂

Yours truly,

Madma

(The photo above was lifted from this site: http://www.kidport.com/reflib/science/seaanimals/fish.htm)

P.S. Nosebleed.🙂 Guys, punta lang akong clinic. Medyo sumama ang pakiramdam ko. Alam n’yo na ‘to.🙂

Hello naman sa members ng Tribo_Tagapayo. Share your payo naman re: this letter. Parang ayaw n’yo na mag-comment!🙂

Thank you very much, Mr. Robby Benson Torres for your input!🙂

P.P.S. ABANGAN mamaya ang pasabog na Elimination Special sa Yours Truly, Madma’s Next Top Model! Maloloka kayo sa magaganap mamaya! Hindi n’yo ‘to kakayanin! Sino kaya kina Jeff, Coco, Paris, Nessa, Flip, Jetti, Angelica and Keempee ang magpapaalam sa YTMNTM? Malalaman natin mamaya! Abangan.😉

32 thoughts on “It’s Time To Go Fishing, Girl!

  1. Wow! All english! For your fans abroad – thank you very much!😀

    Also: Very good points you make, Madma!

  2. i love this! nakipagtagisan ka din naman talaga ng Ingles mare!🙂 nawala yung very light na pabiro sa unahang part ng payo mo dahil ba na pressure ka na talagang umingles? good job sa mga makabuluhang payo mo. magsusulat din ako sayo ng mga nguynguy ko–in french, sana kayanin mo!🙂 love you!

    • MARE! hahaha panggap-pangapan lang ang atake! hahaha Sumama nga pakiramdam ko after ng post na ito. Medyo nagkaubusan din talaga ng naimbak na English. hahaha Huwag naman French! Ikakamatay ko na ‘to. haha Miss yoo, Jo!!!❤

  3. Dear Rickson,

    I agree with Madma 169%! Lol. Alex is in a relationship and you have to respect that. Life is always full of choices. Sometimes, it’s very difficult to decide and pick one, but at the end of the day, you have to. If you want him to be your friend, then treat him like one. If you want something more, then distance yourself from him and respect whatever it is that they have. As they say, friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship, never. So, decide ASAP what role do you want him to play in your life and avoid complications and conflicts as much as possible. It’s alright to pursue happiness, but never do it in the expense of other people’s joy.

    Regarding Peter, I believe that you should test him. If he denies you three times before the cock crows, then let him go. Haha! Just kidding. Madma is right. Do some introspection and sort out your feelings for him. If you can, talk to him about it to clarify everything once and for all. Communication is integral in every type of relationship. And if you really can’t decide, just give him to Madma and he will make sure that Peter’s cock will crow more than thrice a day. Hahahaha! Just think it over and consider the feelings of all the people involved. Try putting yourself in their shoes and always ask, What would Madma do? (Yes Madma, may WWMD campaign na! Haha!)

    Good luck Rickson!😉

    • WOOOH!!! Ang best nung lumaban ka rin talaga sa Englishan ha! wahaha. Love it!❤ Salamat naman sa matapang na pagsagot! Bet na bet ko ang insight mo, Gen! Level din tayo ha.😉 At tama ka, kung di n'ya kayang mahalin si Peter, akin na lang. #pa-involve. Ano ba 'tong WWMD? Fad ba ito? Grabe hindi ko ito alam! Please advise. haha

  4. RIckson, i have two words for you and i am gonna say this in English so you and your German friends and Portuguese and South African Friends may understand. Putang Ina Mo!

    But please don’t get me wrong, I am from Marikina. And to us, that is a way of saying CONGRATULATIONS! To the foreigners, Marikina is a city in the Philippines. From Naia, look for a bus to Cubao, tapos isang sakay na lang yun ng fx from there.

    So why the congratulations? My God, we have to celebrate! you have started enjoying life as the way it was envisioned by… God!

    Now, let’s stick to God and how and why he had created you.

    You are a homosexual. That’s a given, but more than that, you are a friend. Be a friend to Peter. Clear your mind, think and focus on what you really and truly feel for him. He might feel that you are just taking him for granted, because you know that he will be there, always. His love will be forever unconditional. So decide, will he be forever a friend zone to you? Have you lost all your romantic love for him? If not, tell him so. That you can still see yourself in love with him but not for now. Obviously, you are very much infatuated with this Alex. Tell him that as well.

    So what could be God’s plan for you in this You-Alex-his boyfriend love affair? You are a pawn in this game of chess. You are the lover that will test the love Alex and his boyfriend have. So go ahead. Be the the pawn, be the test. Tell Alex that you are in love with him. Tell him that you want to fuck him and love him and be the mistress in this “no other woman episode.” Then tell him that you eventually want his boyfriend out of the picture so you and Alex can be together.

    Two things might happen after this.

    First is you will succeed, Alex will break up with his boyfriend and you will be his new lover. You will fuck, and make love, and have threesome. What have you, go ahead, just do it, in the kitchen, in the floor, in the kitchen floor. Do fisting. Whatever. the rest is history or pornography maybe. But just do it. (Practice safe sex. God doesn’t want your life ruined with diseases).

    After this, go to Peter and tell him that you can not see him anymore in your asshole anytime soon. Friend Zone him forever.

    The other possibility is the opposite. Alex loves his boyfriend so much that he will not entertain your demeanor. But what the hell? It would be painful, but eventually, things will be okay. Bakla ka na, alam mo nang masakit matira sa pwet pero eventually nagiging okay na rin. (You are gay already. you know that it is painful to be fucked in the ass, but eventually, it turns out okay). Try it for at least, you wont have to blame yourself someday for not trying.

    Then go back to that tiny little feelings you have for Peter, if the second happen to you with Alex. Try giving Peter what he wants and you might even enjoy it as well.

    Though if there is nothing, if you really can’t picture yourself again with Peter. LIke magkumare level na lang kayo talaga. Or maliit ang titi niya at hindi iyun papasa sa fantasy mo, then try not giving Peter any reason to wait for you. After all, those are but two guys, and a lot more fishes are waiting in the ocean.

    Go ahead and fish some more.

    • #Clap, clap, clap with satnding O! Ang dami kong tawa rito!!! Bwisit ka, Bette!!! wahaha. Naloloka ako sa pagbibigay mo ng direction from NAIA to Marikina!!! wahaha Hiyang-hiya ang google map sa’yo, Ma’am! Napalaban ka din sa pag-English. Hindi mo rin talaga tinipid! wahaha Love this comment of yours like crazy! Nawawala antok ko now. hahaha Bette for Senator! And Jamby as well. WOW. haha

  5. Hi rickson,

    Ooohhh rickson, what a situation you have, or what a situation you’re in, or at, or belong. You know rickson, it’s difficult sometimes, that, you know, you’re in,,Ike that. just remember, in on our life, we have still best things and… God bless!

    (give up na, madma sorry bat may ganto hindi Keri yung ganto!!!! Be happy na lang kamo kay rickson, pakshet pahirap!)

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