Let me beg your indulgence to write in English. I noticed that letters sent to you are in Filipino but one of my friends who urged me to consult you, asked that I write in English so her German beau will understand without her having to go through the onerous task of translating from Filipino. Much would be lost when that happens.
I would also like to say that my letter maybe too long for posting. Just edit out whatever you may find inane but hopefully much of what I write are relevant, providing the proper context so you can give me the best advice possible.
This is a story that is some 5 years long with an epilogue that is years longer. Let me begin with the latter. I was, you see, raised in a center-right, Catholic family, educated in a Catholic school and immersed in Bible and Christian studies. I grew up falling in-love with God, talking casually with Jesus, telling him things and stuff as I would my closest friends. Prayer was a true conversation for me and I was happy.
The one thing I could not bring myself to talk openly with God was my same-sex attraction. It was an open secret between us. Until one day, I asked that I be cured of this disease but that cure never came and I felt so alone.
I grew up spending my time with the guys. In college, I was one of the guys. I wasn’t athletic or anything but I found my niche in my peers of men. Whilst they got into girls, I was just hanging around them and they just brushed me off as “torpe.”
In any case, I lived my life in the closet, getting no hits on gaydars. I knew one or two who were suspicious but nothing to confirm.
I got off on porn and was addicted to it. One day, I decided to clean myself up. Go back to my first love: God and Church. It was around the same time that I met Peter, my first true love.
He’s not out but we got so close and so comfortable with each other that we ended up admitting our homosexuality to each other during one of our late night chats. At first, I tried to resist his advances and even told him that we should change our ways through prayer and the sacraments but the heart wants what the heart wants and lust pushed us through.
It was a crazy, conflicted relationship. I was confused and I felt guilty loving him and consummating our love through sex. I so wanted to be out of it that I did everything to end the relationship. It devolved quickly into something purely physical, at least for me.
Fate is a cruel mistress. Peter and I, due to numerous circumstances, ended up working in the same company and staying in the same place. We got frisky from time to time but he tried to move on, looking for other relationships which never lasted.
I got a different job a year later and eventually moved out to another place. Contact with Peter dwindled.
In my new work, I got infatuated with a co-worker. Alex is cute and smart, just like Peter but the former is prettier. I took time to get to close to Alex. We got close to a point that he would tell me personal stuff from his sexcapades to his emotional reactions to certain events in his life. I really got to like him to the point that I was even planning on courting him.
Alas, it turns out he has a boyfriend. Someone he does not tell people about. No one knew about the guy he said. He only told me when I pressed him about the flatmate he was planning to move in with. It’s his boyfriend, he says. Well, yes, I cried and took time to get over that revelation.
I got back to being friends with him again though I never ask about his boyfriend. It was a painful topic for me, a badge of mistrust.
Now, sometime after my Alex episode, I asked Peter to have NSA encounters to which he agreed and we would meet from time to time to get physical. Somehow, it got to a point wherein he got his feelings for me rekindled and he even went on to say that everyone else after me were rebounds. Now, I admit that I do still love and care for him but not romantically, at least that’s how I understand it. My friends disagree. They say I am in love with him but I’m just looking for the feelings during our romantic stage.
I don’t want to ‘settle’ with Peter just because he’s there and he’s available. It will not be fair to him or to me.
Also, I find myself enjoying Alex’s company very much even though I know that I don’t have a shot at him at the moment.
So I really don’t know what to do now. Should I still be friends with Alex? Am I in-love with Peter but I just don’t realize it? What do I do Madma?
With kind regards,
First of all, I would like to thank you for sharing your story with us. I appreciate your courage in coming out from the closet and sharing this piece to the rest of world. Thanks for providing us with the proper context of your very emotional story too. Don’t worry. I didn’t find it long. I find it cute. WOW! :) Seriously, reading your letter is like watching a short film about love, pain, confusion, intimacy and moving on. This is crazy! I love it! Thanks for bringing us into this roller-coaster ride of your life.🙂
I am glad that you have already come to terms with your sexuality and your relationship with God. Clearly, you are now more comfortable with being gay given your recent sexual and intimate relationships with Alex and Peter. It must have been very difficult for you to settle this matter; you being raised in a center-right, Catholic family and the homosexual calling. On the onset, I thought your dilemma would only lie within these contradictions. I’m happy that you have finally made your choice and have embraced your true self. After all, being gay is NOT a disease. This is a gift from God, so let’s celebrate it! (Hello, Ms. Miriam Quiambao)🙂 There’s no “cure” for it as well so I encourage everyone to stop praying for one to be straight!🙂
I am also elated with the fact that you didn’t fall into the trap of being a hypocrite. I HATE HYPOCRITES! They don’t have any right to live in this world! I’m sure, most you would also agree with me. I pity those people who live with false virtues or religion and those who act in contradiction to their stated beliefs or feelings. Meanwhile, I admire those people who are courageous enough to stand with their beliefs no matter what society dictates. At the end of the day, we have to make a CHOICE! We cannot serve two Gods at the same time so we really need to give our best effort to choose and live with our decision. And I’m glad that you already made one too.🙂
Now, let’s talk about your pressing issues with your boys. Boys, boys, boys! Oh, how I love boys. :) To be honest, I don’t think being friends with Alex is healthy for you at this stage. I suggest that you stay away from him until you resolved your unnecessary emotional baggage for him. Alex is in a relationship so you better back-off, bitch.🙂 You don’t buy an item that has been already sold to someone else. If you really want that item, you either wait for it to be put in a garage sale or wait for it to be handed down to you by the previous owner. Perhaps, you can steal it. But I don’t recommend the latter.🙂 The keyword is CONTROL. I understand that you enjoy being with Alex and that you love his company. I know how badly you want to keep your friendship with Alex because it has become one of the sources of your joy. I get it. But it has to stop for now.😉 Being friends with him at this point will not do any good for you since your intentions for being with him is not purely for friendship. You have already cried buckets of tears over this issue so don’t put that fact into waste. You have moved on, then so be it. Don’t worry about your friendship with Alex. Believe me, you will become friends eventually. The world will conspire to fulfil its destiny.😉
As to Peter, I recommend for you to clearly define and identify your feelings with him. You better figure it out as soon as possible before things get any worse. If you are not in love with him, let him go! Peter deserves to be happy too.🙂 Perhaps, you can give him to me. We will work something out. WOW!🙂 Please, spare him the pain of being used just to satisfy your needs. You are right. It will not be fair to him and for your as well to jump into a relationship without genuine love, so don’t go beyond that level. On the other hand, if after some contemplation, you realized that you are in love with Peter and that you want to give it a shot with him, then go for it! Give it a try. It’s a just a matter of identifying your true feelings with Peter and having the courage to act upon it. You are the only one who can tell if you are in love with Peter or not. It’s your heart, my dear.🙂
Take it from Madma, sometimes true love is not so true after all. Explore more options. Hang out with other people. Widen your horizon. As what I always say in YTM, “huwag maging pakupota!” You don’t need to be limited with Peter and Alex who certainly are problematic. There are a lot of fishes in the sea so go and grab someone else! You have already gone this far on embracing your sexuality, so might as well maximize the opportunities. Spare yourself from living with uncertainties. Life is short. You are still young. Just enjoy.🙂
We love you, Rickson. We wish you all the best.🙂
(The photo above was lifted from this site: http://www.kidport.com/reflib/science/seaanimals/fish.htm)
P.S. Nosebleed.🙂 Guys, punta lang akong clinic. Medyo sumama ang pakiramdam ko. Alam n’yo na ‘to.🙂
Hello naman sa members ng Tribo_Tagapayo. Share your payo naman re: this letter. Parang ayaw n’yo na mag-comment!🙂
Thank you very much, Mr. Robby Benson Torres for your input!🙂
P.P.S. ABANGAN mamaya ang pasabog na Elimination Special sa Yours Truly, Madma’s Next Top Model! Maloloka kayo sa magaganap mamaya! Hindi n’yo ‘to kakayanin! Sino kaya kina Jeff, Coco, Paris, Nessa, Flip, Jetti, Angelica and Keempee ang magpapaalam sa YTMNTM? Malalaman natin mamaya! Abangan.😉